I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
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Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.