When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
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My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.