A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
You Might Also Like
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
😅🤣😂
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot