Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
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when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
guilty
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348