If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
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“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.