What Bob, you’re interrupting.
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[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.