If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
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Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
United Steaks of America
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.