well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
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“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Had an epiphany today.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I think my mom just blocked me
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920