A group of toddlers is called a migraine
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which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.