I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
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Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”