A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
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I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Krampus.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*