I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
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Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
so i’m at the stock market right
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?