To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
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Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.