Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
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beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!