My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
You Might Also Like
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
the battle rages on
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do