God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
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teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
my mind
You just read my mind
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I’ve been drinking.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Dear Lord..
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw