*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
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*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
#parenting
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
me when i see my girls butt
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
was Jim off killing horses or…