MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
You Might Also Like
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
never deleting this app.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.