waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…