I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
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Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
WHY?!
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Perfect.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Just a bush.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to