Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
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Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”