Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
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Eggs benadryl my favourite
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
They also CAN sing✌️