I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
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I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
All is fair in drunk and war.