I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
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There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home