OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
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non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
#Thanos #MondayMood
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
🤣✨#caturday
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
This is the best one I’ve seen
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.