Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
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Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends