Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
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I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.