Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
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babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
*performs CPR on the turkey*
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.