girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
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My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.