Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
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It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific