Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
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What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*