The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
You Might Also Like
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.