An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
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WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
LOOOOOOL
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.