I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
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Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Can’t, holding a grudge
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.