This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
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5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
cry laughing at this shit
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.