[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
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My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
From my Mom
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first