My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
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“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Meanwhile in Canada…
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.