Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
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1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday