PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
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*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.