The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
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You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”