[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
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Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, ā mom, I love you, but Iām cancelling swimming lessons.ā My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. Weāre all just too embarrassed to ask now.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Whereās yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! š You got this šŖ
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
āYou donāt trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.ā
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I canāt get over the fact that the word āgullibleā upside-down looks like a cat.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
Heās got some nerve.