Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?