{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
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People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
What a website
Canadian owl: Eh?
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.