my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
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I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them