A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
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Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT