Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
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Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Just got to our Airbnb!
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Art by Pastelkatto
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.