Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
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*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I want what they have
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had