Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
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I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
when you are just born a rebel
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen