English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
You Might Also Like
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”