I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
You Might Also Like
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂